Sunday, June 20, 2010

Who doesn't love a solstice?

Happy summer solstice to everyone. Enjoy all that sunshine, especially you folks way up north who get to enjoy a hint of light until almost 10. We're so far south here in Hawaii that the longest that the light is pretty much gone at 8:00. I do miss those long, Minnesota summer days.

I don't have much new to write about. My weekend was pretty good. Zac and I spent a lot of time hanging out. We even checked out a nightclub last night, since I was itching to go dancing. Turns out the place isn't as much a dance club as a lounge, but we still had a good time. It felt good to get dressed up and break out of the shorts-and-tank-top routine.

As many of you know, Zac and I have been trying to get pregnant for awhile with no success. It's something that I've stayed away from on this blog because, really, it's no one's business but ours. But I know many people are curious and, frankly, it's been one of the major topics on my mind and it's been tough not being able to talk about it. So I'm breaking the silence here and catching you all up on where I'm at.

Zac and I have been trying for almost a year. That's pretty normal I hear. But I'm also just about 33 and while I know I'm not too old, I also know that time is not on my side. I decided I need to know if there's something amiss, or if our timing is just bad. I spoke to my doctor about a month ago and she referred me to a fertility doctor. I had a bunch of blood drawn last week (test results pending) and an HSG on Friday. An HSG is not fun. Not at all. After experiencing the procedure I could probably list off 1,500 other things I'd rather do than endure another one. Essentially it's a procedure to see if my, er "plumbing" is free flowing. It involves iodine, the radiology department and some serious discomfort. But the results of the test were positive: my tubes are nice and open and a blockage is not the reason for my lack of pregnancy.

I'll go in for more blood work in a couple of weeks and Zac will have to go in to have his numbers counted. (I'm going to try and leave Zac out of this conversation as much as possible, since I'd like to protect him as much as possible.) We won't know if there's anything "off" until we get him checked. I'm still convinced that our timing is just wrong and we've just been unlucky up to this point. But it is frustrating. I have friends and family that are in various stages of parenting and pregnancy and while I am deliriously happy for them, it's hard not to feel frustrated about the whole thing. I hear about people getting pregnant unintentionally or at a young age and I think, I did it right, right? I waited until I was married and in a good place emotionally and economically in my life - why is this taking so long? There are moments I feel incredibly selfish and angry, and then there are moments where my patience kicks in and I'm fine with waiting until Fate decides it's time. But it can be an exhausting roller coaster ride.

Adding to the emotion is that there are moments where I want nothing more than to be a mom, which are then occasionally followed by moments where I absolutely relish not having children. It's a give and take that I intellectually understand - you give up some perks as a childless couple for other perks as parents. I say "intellectually" since I can't understand what it's like to be a parent yet. I know full-well the perks of being childless. Going on vacation whenever, going out to dinner without interruption, the lack of child-rearing-expenses, etc. You life gets to be all about you and your spouse when there are no kids. And doesn't that sound pretty gosh darn appealing?

But then the other day I was in line at the check out at the grocery store and there was an 18 month old little girl in the cart in front of me and I couldn't help but make silly faces at her, trying to make her smile. And then she smiled at me and we played peek-a-boo for a few minutes. And that's when it washes over me - I'd be good at mothering. I believe that. And I would like the chance to try. I swallowed the lump in my throat as she and her mom paid for their groceries and headed to their car.

If kids aren't in our cards, for whatever reason, I'll be able to make peace with that. I've got plenty of love to give my nieces and nephews and friends' kids. I just want to know if it's a physical issue or just Fate messing with me. Since it's the summer solstice tomorrow, perhaps I need to sacrifice a small woodland-creature to some fertility goddess like Haumea. I suppose it couldn't hurt. Or maybe I'll just leave Her a chocolate chip cookie. I never was one for harming cute, furry animals, even if it potentially tilts the scales in my favor.


Joyce said...

Any goddess worth her salt would go for the cookies!

Teebore said...

Good luck! And remember: animalistic pagan sacrifices never harmed anything. ;)