Today is one of those days that I have grown to detest. We did an IUI about 10 days ago. I thought it might have worked this time, though I've learned to never be too optimistic about the baby-making process. I had something that resembled implantation cramping the day after the procedure and I've had a couple of other symptoms that I got the last time the IUI worked. But I took a test this morning and it was negative. So frustrating. This means that I wait for a few days. Maybe my monthly cycle will start, which will be the best indication that it didn't work. Maybe nothing will happen and I'll take another test. Maybe it will be positive. But for now, I just have to wait. Of course anyone that knows me knows that sitting with a quiet mind is damn near impossible. And today it's worse because I have nothing to distract me. These last five days were filled with socializing and activities and I didn't have time to stew over the state of my uterus.
Today? Today I have no errands to run, no cleaning to do, no activities. Just work. And when your job involves sitting on the couch with your laptop, editing minutia, it's easy for your mind to wander. I'm restless and irritated and I'm having a hard time sitting here for more than 15 minutes at a time. I get up, refill my coffee mug, laugh ruefully at the fact that I've been drinking decaf for three years for no reason, let the dogs outside and sit back down. I stare at the computer. I decided to blog, despite knowing that I sometimes regret it when I post stuff when I'm emotional. The sound of the tv irritates me. The silence of turning it off irritates me. Toivo keep pestering me as I sit here and that irritates me. I order him to go lay down on his bed, then immediately feel pangs of guilt for not paying attention to him because Toivo rarely asks to play.
This marks the first IUI of 2013. How many did we do last year? Four? One of them worked. Back in May. Egg, fertilized Two blue lines on a test. Ta da! Then, around the six week mark, it stopped. Certainly there was a sense of loss, but I was fortunate enough to have had it happen early on in the pregnancy. No heartbeat, no fingers and toes, no creepy 3D ultrasound pictures where everyone tries to guess who the fetus looks like. Just a collection of cells trying to get themselves sorted out. And they couldn't, so it was done. Lots of women have miscarriages. Actually, most. And it often happens with the first pregnancy. After an initial week or two of complicated emotions, I finally got my head together and took comfort in the positives that came out of the experience. After all, I was able to get pregnant. We hadn't even gotten that far before. So the goal was to get pregnant and stay pregnant in the latter half of 2012. We did another IUI in the late summer. It didn't take. So that brings us to the beginning of this month, where we tried again.
When we started this IUI cycle a couple of weeks ago, my fertility doctor was stunned when we told him that we were only going to try IUI one or two more times, and that if it didn't work we'd be done with the process. At the subsequent appointment he asked me follow up questions, all variations of asking why. I can understand where he's coming from. His job is to get women pregnant. That is his goal. He literally measures success by the number of women who have live births. Once that child is born, however, it is no longer his concern if that child has Downs Syndrome, autism, ADHD, etc. His patients are usually women who are desperate to have a child and are willing to continue treatments year after year after year into their early and even mid 40s. He said that he has patients who don't even start fertility treatments until their early 40s. I asked him if he has any moral or ethical concerns about treating women who are older, with the increasing evidence that older mothers (and fathers) contribute to the increased likelihood for certain conditions. I think he was a bit surprised by my question. I was lucky that day that the clinic wasn't as busy and he and I were able to talk about the subject for a little while.
He ended our conversation by saying that the decision on when to end fertility treatments is extremely personal, and he would respect our decision if we chose to stop. However, in his opinion I am very healthy 35 year old that has a number of more years to try. I think the physician in him would hate to see him "fail" at getting one of his patients pregnant, but I also believe that he genuinely wants to help us. He ended our conversation by saying, "I shouldn't say this, but there are a lot of people that make terrible parents. I know you. I know your husband. You would make wonderful parents."
So will wait a few more days to see what happens. Luckily I'm busy with meetings and trainings and other assorted out-of-the-house things over the next few days. But today? Today will be a strenuous exercise in focus and concentration as I try to work.
Update, three hours later: After prepping a meatloaf for supper, doing a bunch of ombudsman and Compass paperwork and registering for a couple of continuing education webcasts, I am focused and cruising through work. The pity party is officially over for today.
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