Wednesday update

I am anxiously prepping for my trip to OKC to see Zac. I'm actually wearing my new black heels today to break them in a little. They are to go with my KALBD. (*sigh* I need to get Heidi to teach me how to link to stuff and put pictures in.) I'm still musing over what to wear to the pinning ceremony, but I figure I'll go through everything I own this weekend in one mad try-on session and see if I've got anything I like. If not, I'll just hit the mall and get a new skirt or something. So much of my wardrobe has been in various forms of packing over the last six months, that I'm not even sure what I own anymore.

On the Grandpa front, he's losing his eyesight rapidly. In the last three weeks it's gone from bad to almost non-existent. It means that Grandpa and my family are facing a number of decisions about what kind of care he wants and needs. What my Grandpa wants is a miracle pill that will make him 25 again. I think he's fairly convinced that it exists and that the doctors are just being mean by not giving it to him. He hates being old. He hates how his body is failing him. He hates not being able to walk around the block. He hates being frail and feeling vulnerable. I hate seeing him like that.

There was some talk about Grandpa moving into an elder care facility, but now it looks like we're going to try and get someone to come in M-F for a few hours a day while I'm at work. He said himself that if he's going to go blind he wants to be blind in his own house instead of learning where everything is in a new place. So that's the plan for the moment. However, plans seem to change almost daily, so things aren't set in stone.

It's been a trying time for everyone involved; Grandpa, my family, me. I've had a number of moments of helplessness. I've got the rational part of my brain that tells me that I'm doing everything I can and that I am actually providing help to my Grandfather. The emotional part of my brain has me feeling guilty every time I leave the house and has me feeling like there's nothing I can do. It's a tough spot. I want to be spending time with my friends, but especially during the week I don't like doing things because I feel so bad about not being home. And then I plan everything with my friends on the weekends so I feel bad that I'm not home during the day when I could be because it's not a work day.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy going out with my friends, I just feel over-scheduled. Between household stuff I need to do for myself and Grandpa, plus things like the Dome and having a handful of friends that each want to spend time with me -- it's overwhelming. Like I don't have enough time to do everything and to make everybody, including me, happy. I'm also not very good at saying "no" to people, especially people that I care about. If one of my family or friends asks me to do something, it kills me to say "no". More guilt.

You know how each of Shakespeare's dramatic characters has a tragic flaw? That one attribute of their character that ultimately causes their downfall? Mine must be my over developed sense of guilt.