Monday, August 25, 2008

Too much to process

I've got too much running through my head right now to come up with anything clever or witty. I'm really too sad to try and be glib. I'm just kind of spent. Maybe I'll come back to the events with a more attentive entry at a later date, but for now I'll just say that the BBQ seemed to be a resounding success. I think Sally Field has wrecked us all with that blasted, "You like me. You really really like me!" bit. I was amazed and touched, truly touched, that so many people came by to say hi. I regret that I couldn't spend more time with everyone there. It was 30 seconds here, 90 seconds there. I felt pulled in so many directions. So for those that read this that were there - thank you. I hope I have the emotional strength to tell you all individually how much it meant to have you there.

Today was the last of lasts. And then there was supper with the family. And then there were goodbyes. And there were tears. Lots and lots of them. They're still coming, even though I ran out of them about an hour ago. I can't really tell you how I feel right now, not adequately. I just hurt. My heart hurts. I've had my life planned out for so many years in my head. House in South Minneapolis, raising my kids with my sister five minutes away. Family suppers, birthday parties, helping Mom with peanut brittle, South High pancake breakfasts, all of it. It was the plan.

And tonight as I drove away from my parent's house I realized that that plan isn't going to happen. I've got a loving husband whom I adore. And there is a part of my rational brain that knows that this new plan can be just as good, just as happy, just as full. But my heart didn't get that memo. Not yet anyway. So I'm going to cut myself some slack and cry a little more tonight, and try not to look at the skyline too much as we head south on 35W tomorrow morning, heading for Nebraska.

Did I mention that Zac's folks only have dial up? Oh good lord. There is something worse than leaving your family.

1 comment:

HB said...

Love you babe... and I didn't cry until I got home, and then again when I read this.

You are strong and one of the most determined people I know, so don't let the dial up get ya down.