Saturday, June 21, 2008

Coping? Yeah. Not so much. Tonight anyhow.

I spent Friday night with Sara, Heidi and Bianca, tossing back a few margaritas and chatting about stuff. It was a lot of fun, especially since I hadn't seen Heidi or Bianca in awhile. The conversations are always interesting and there's usually a fair amount of gut-busting laughter. I had to bow out early to get home and let the dog out, but I'm hoping we can arrange a girls-night-of-silliness at some point in the next couple months.

I didn't do much today. Slept in. Like a lazy butt. Went and got the oil changed in the car, ran a few errands (saw Austin at B&N!), picked up some of the stuff from the storage unit and brought it over to the house, went through it and re-boxed it. I have to have all the stuff I want shipped to Hawaii at the house by July 23 or something, so I had might as well get going on that now. I haven't talked to the moving people yet, so I'm still not sure what's going on. But the paperwork was submitted so I'm hoping they'll call me next week.

Warning - this next bit is me, whining. A lot. It's a pity party that I'm throwing for myself.

Crabby, crabby, crabby. The last couple of days has seen me in a particularly pessimistic and pissy mood. I managed to hurt Zac's feelings yesterday by completely ragging on a packet of information I got from Hawaii from their Family and Fleet Support Center. Or Fleet and Family. Or something. It doesn't really matter. I had hoped it was something about jobs in Hawaii, but instead it was something that Zac referred to as a "Welcome aboard" packet. Well, when I opened it up and realized it had nothing to do with the paralegal position I applied for, I was disappointed. And then I read the first line of the letter that says, "ALOHA and welcome to Pearl Harbor!" or something like that. I just tossed the whole thing on the floor and walked away. The only way it could have been worse is if it had come with a basket of goddamn muffins.

A few minutes later I looked at it again. Pamphlets and brochures galore. Lots and lots of happy happy happy Navy people and their happy happy happy families. Yay moving! Yay trying to find a new job! Yay leaving your home! Yay moving far away from your family! Yay support for you while your spouse leaves you! Yipee! I felt like I was reading through government sponsored propaganda packets. True, I might be uprooted every 2-3 years, but by golly! I can get a discount at Burger King! Wow! Who wouldn't make that trade?

So that's the mind set I was in when I called Zac. I wasn't going to trash talk the packet, but I did mention that I got it. He sounded enthusiastic and interested in it. That's when I started bagging on it. So he got indignant and upset and asked why I just didn't throw the damn thing away , if I didn't want it. I was getting worked up when he snaps, "I'm sorry I requested it for you. My mistake." Turns out the Navy doesn't just mail these out to new arrivals, you have to specifically ask for them. Zac didn't feel he needed one, as he's been stationed there before, but he thought that maybe I would want to check it out. Yeah. I felt like a colossal ass.

I did thank him for thinking of me and told him I appreciated his attempts to make this transition easier, but I had to cut the conversation short and I felt like things didn't get resolved. We didn't really talk about it much today either. He just said he was more frustrated than pissed off. We just left it at that.

I certainly understand "frustrated". I suck at this. I absolutely, positively suck at this. And, honestly, a good part of me doesn't want to get any better at it. I don't want to get used to moving. I don't want to get used to being forced into finding a new job. I don't want to get used to not having a career where I can move laterally. I don't want to get used to filling out paperwork to change an address every 2-3 years. I don't want to make new friends each time we have to move. I don't want any of that. But, as countless people have pointed out to me, "That's what you signed up for!" If one more person says that to me I might haul off and pop someone in the nose.

Apparently I'm short sighted and was overly optimistic. I thought, this is the person I love. I want to be with him. We'll make it work. And in my head I "knew" what was coming, but I sure as hell didn't "know" what was coming. And so I sit here, pissed off, lonely, waiting til we can be together, just so we can throw another round of different stresses into our marital mix. We'll finally have the distance issue out of the way, but there will be setting up the new house, his new job, my lack of job, me being away from home, being surrounded by the military. Marriage is such an adjustment anyway, why the hell are we making it even tougher?

I can't help but think about this winter, after the wedding, when Zac was looking for his next assignment after El Sal. He was talking to a detailer. (They help sailors find their next job.) One of the options (and there were only a few on the table) was a year in Kuwait. Immediately after the year in El Sal. Zac explained to the detailer that one of the reasons he went to El Sal was that he could be stateside for awhile after he got done. He told the detailer that he had just gotten married and that he didn't think I would be too happy with that assignment, after already being apart for a year. She snapped at him, "She just needs to suck it up and cope."

Wow. "Suck it up and cope." Thank you ma'am for that very clear introduction to the Navy. I can't imagine why I have my guard up around you people.

But I love Zac. More than anything. And there isn't a day that I don't look down at my left hand and smile about the fact that he's my husband and I'm his wife. And I think about all the good times we've had so far and hope for all the ones we'll have in the future. So what the hell do I do? I don't want to be his pissed off, unhappy wife. He deserves so much better than that. I want to be upbeat and optimistic and enthusiastic about all this. But I'm not. So until I can figure out how to pretend that I'm sucking it up and coping, I'm not sure what to do.

No comments: